I've been there, my friend. I've had weeks where life felt like it was falling apart at the seams. People who you thought would be there forever suddenly aren't. You get in a car wreck. Your bank account information gets stolen. The list goes on and on. The exactness of the situation doesn't matter; life is just really, really hard right now. Here are 2 things you should know:
1. Your Feelings Matter
Forget what everyone else says. Forget what you're telling yourself about your feelings. They matter. Even if what you're upset about seems silly to others. If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal. Period. Stop comparing your pain to others. Just because someone else broke both of their legs doesn't mean that my broken arm doesn't hurt. Your feelings are valid and important; even the feelings that you wish you didn't have.
There is no feeling that you can have that God can't handle. So many times in Christian culture, we are taught to be "joyful always." This is a biblical concept, but God doesn't command us to fake our emotions or hide our pain. He wants the exact opposite from us. When Jesus was in the garden of gethsemane on the night before he was crucified, he didn't pray to the Father saying, "Well, that's how it goes! God, you're good and everything's gonna be fine so yaaayyy let's do this! :) :) :)." Jesus cried. He wept so deeply that he started sweating blood. Or read the Psalms for an example. David was a crybaby and oh, how God loved him for that. What God wants from you the most in your times of weakness and pain is your vulnerable authenticity. You only share your deepest feelings with someone that you trust sincerely. When you try to hide your feelings from God and attempt to perform as being happy when you're not, you're telling God that you don't trust Him enough to let him see your true brokenness. More than anything, God wants to be with you in these times. Alongside you in the dirty, scary, crappy times as well as the good ones.
It's okay to be upset. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to ask "why" a thousand times a day (I certainly do). It's even okay to be angry with God. You can be angry at someone while still totally being in love with them. An authentic relationship with God is going to be messy because people are messy and you are a person. You're not going to understand. I still don't understand. And in moments of authenticity, I cry out with you, "God, I don't understand you. I hate this. I really, really hate. this. This makes no sense. I don't understand why you would let me be hurt like this. But I trust you. I don't understand you, but I love you. I'm really mad at you right now, but you are the love of my life. Help. Me."
2. God is the Same
Something that my Dad has told me over and over and over again when life throws a curveball at me is this: When you can't understand God's hand, trust His heart. God is love. He cannot stop loving you. Just because the circumstances of your life don't seem to be showing it right now doesn't mean that God has changed. He cannot change. He has promised to never leave you or forsake you. He never breaks His word. I know how it is to feel like He has. Oh, how I know it. I know what it is to lie in bed for days, doing nothing but crying and asking why. I still have more questions than answers. But, oh, I know this: Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).
Cling to what He has done for you in the past. Know that He's not finished with you yet. Your future is beautiful. He absolutely refuses to give up on you, no matter how much it feels like He already has. He hasn't. I can't tell you why you're going through this. There are things I went through years ago that I still don't have answers for. I wish with all of my heart that I could heal your pain and explain exactly why everything happened the way it did. I can't. But I can promise you this: in Christ, you have a safe place to be who you are and feel what you feel. He is with you and He will never change. You don't have to pretend to be something that you're not. I can't answer the "whys" but I can tell you this: He is with you.
Your also broken sister,
Suzanna.
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