Guarding Your Heart

Hi, my name is Suz and I have trust issues.

When I was 13, I remember crying to my mom after my first heartbreak (I think I had a crush on someone and they didn't text me back right away? I don't even remember. Being 13 is hard, man). I remember melodramatically exclaiming, "People hurt too much! I wish we didn't need them."

Not much has changed since then.

My over-emotional, 13-year-old self was on to something. People hurt.
So what's the natural thing to do? Self-defense. People can't hurt you if you don't let them in.  And after all, the Bible says I should "guard my heart" right?

I personally have had the idea of "guard your heart" used against me. I got up the nerve to finally trust some people (which for me is kind of a big deal. Trust issues, remember?) and when they inevitably hurt me and I confronted them on it, their reply was "you should have guarded your heart more." So their hurting me became my fault for trusting them in the first place. Awesome.

Needless to say, I have a bone to pick with this idea.

In case you're not familiar with Christian subculture, let me give you a quick overlook on this popular cliche. The phrase "guard your heart" has been used in sermons on dating, books on relationships, given in well-meaning advice and told to hormonal teenagers for ages. Basically the gist of it as I've understood it is, "Don't be dependent on another person. Don't give all of your emotions to another person to control. Don't be in an unhealthy, reliant relationship."

Okay, I totally get that.

When it comes to relationships, there definitely should be boundaries. If your entire wellbeing is wrapped up in another person, you're in trouble. A human being cannot possibly ever satisfy every desire that you have. That's God's job. Also, if someone has repetitively hurt you in the past, it might not be wise to put all of your emotional energy into that unstable friendship or relationship. I get where this cliche is coming from, I really do. I'm all about healthy relationships and not finding your identity in another person.

My problem is that lots of times, the way that we actually apply this is more like, "Be self-dependent. Just you and God. You don't need anybody else. Guard your heart so that people can't hurt you." As Christians, we often use the idea of "guarding our hearts" as an excuse to not trust. The best part? We can justify what we're doing because we have a bible verse to back it up! It's right here, folks:

"Guard your heart above all else,
    for it determines the course of your life."

 - Proverbs 4:23

Boom. Infallible truth from the mouth of God that I can use to block people out of my life. Bam! Just me and Jesus, baby. No need to let people get close to me and hurt me again. I'm guarding my heart like a boss.

Okay. Hold up.

Let's do something crazy. Let's actually look at the context of this verse and what it's saying instead of just throwing it around like confetti and using it to prove our own points. Let's look at the full passage.

My child, pay attention to what I say.
    Listen carefully to my words.

Don’t lose sight of them.
    Let them penetrate deep into your heart,

for they bring life to those who find them,
    and healing to their whole body.

Guard your heart above all else,
    for it determines the course of your life.

Avoid all perverse talk;
    stay away from corrupt speech.

Look straight ahead,
    and fix your eyes on what lies before you.

Mark out a straight path for your feet;
    stay on the safe path.

Don’t get sidetracked;
    keep your feet from following evil.

 - Proverbs 4:20-27

All presuppositions aside, what is this passage actually telling us to guard our hearts from? It's natural for us in our states of self-preservation to want to guard our hearts from letting people in. Letting people in sometimes really really sucks. Because honestly, as people, we all kind of suck. We all will inevitably hurt one another.

Here's the crazy thing though: this verse that we use out of context to justify our distrust of people isn't even talking about relationships. It's talking about staying away from evil.

I think the greatest tragedy of the out-of-context view of "guard your heart" is that we use it as an excuse to love less; something that the Bible literally never tells us to do. God never says, "okay, yeah you should love, but make sure that you're not loving too much because you need to be safe. Love one another, but make sure that you can't get hurt in the process."

Love is the only thing that ever hurt God. God himself chose a gruesome, bloody death for it. Where in the world do we get the idea that love is safe?

If you chose to love, you will get hurt. I absolutely guarantee it.

I think that C.S. Lewis described this best:


"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Sincerely, the biggest hypocrite of all who sucks at trusting people & doesn't love nearly enough, 

Suzanna Melton.